Broken but still going
by hungergames120
Summary: Bellamy finally gets angry and decides to shout back at his haters. Post 3x12 Demons M for language
Octavia hated him… she hated pretty much everything after Lincoln but the this she hated most was her brother. Bellamy sighed as he watched her across the pyre. Her hair was loose around her face since Lincoln wasn't here to braid it anymore. Bellamy's heart clenched as he looked at Lincolns burning body on the pyre along with Sinclair's, it was his fault that Lincoln died but at the same time her couldn't help but selfishly think if O had just trusted him maybe Lincoln would have lived.

But she didn't she locked him up and beat him, Bell let it happen knowing he deserved it but the thing that really killed him inside was _You're dead to me_ uttered with such hatred Bellamy actually believed her.

He felt dead and the only reason he hadn't broken down into a mess of tears and screams is because he had to be strong even if no one in this damn camp thought they needed him to be. He could have screamed and cried when Lincoln died and Octavia beat him, he could have cried and screamed when Raven/A.L.L.I.E were tormenting him over all his fuck ups but he didn't. He needed to be strong for the group… the 100.

When he was in that airlock with them all he felt helpless he was going to let these kids die because he wasn't fast enough or strong enough. He wanted to break down as he looked at Octavia and mouthed _I love you_ to her she stared back at him but he could distinguish whether it was anger or grief in her eyes. Either way she didn't return the sentiment and as Emerson began sucking the Oxygen out of the room he looked from Octavia to Clarke wishing he had more time.

He felt like his heart was going to burst but he didn't break, he didn't scream or cry he just looked at the most important people in his life before closing his eyes and waiting for death to take him. It didn't and when he found Lincolns body outside the camp walls he fulfilled one request his sister gave him… _Bring Lincoln back_.

He did.

She screamed over Lincoln and after she was done he thought she was going to hit him gain but she didn't she just marched to the wood pile and began to make a pyre. He tried to say some grounder words but they didn't come out quite right and he seriously doubted anyone but Clarke would appreciate them. As they began to scatter and collect their tools to find Luna, Clarke grasped his hand tightly for a second before turning and getting a pack before making her way to the jeep.

He looked back the burning pyre before whispering "I'm sorry." Before turning and moving back to the gates of Arkadica. His gaze was drawn to Monty who was tampering with the jeeps engine. He wanted to say something but what could he say _sorry you killed your mom for my sister?_ It wouldn't comfort Monty and it certainly wouldn't comfort Octavia.

The latter off which glared at him venomously as he put his pack in the back of the jeep.

"Trying to add another to your kill list?" she said harshly as he tensed.

Bellamy breathed deeply trying not the let the statement overwhelm him, he had so many people on his kill list. The mountain men, Atom, Dax, Fox, Monroe and now 300 fucking grounder warriors as well as his sister's true love.

He didn't respond he just steadily strapped his pack to the back to the jeep. Yes, he has killed those people and most didn't deserve it but he truly thought that was the last resort otherwise he wouldn't have done it.

He was a monster plain and simple but he tried to ignore it in favour for focusing on the task at hand finding Luna and looking after his group.

When Clarke came back to Arkadia when Pike was running things he was angry at her. He was angry she could go away and have a pity party for herself and shoulder all the blame for Mount Weather even when they did it together.

But he let her go because she needed to go he hugged her tightly and watched her walk away. He wished he could do the same thing but if he left the 100 would crumble. Most already did anyway Jasper killing his liver every day and Raven denying she was in pain and watching all of them not deal with it.

Bellamy wanted to drink away his days like Jasper but he couldn't because who would pick him up with Monty and help him to the latrines so he could puke up his gut? Who would reassure Monty about his parents and Jasper? Who would keep the 100 together?

He found a way to distract himself, he cared for Gina he really did…he didn't love her as much as he should of but she understood that and accepted it and they were happy but after she died and everyone was content in wallowing is grief he lost it he did what he believed was right when following Pike even now when he knows how wrong it was.

He was angry at the system and the kids for not trying to get better but he could not crumble in front of them so he crumbled privately behind closed doors when no one could see him and that brought him some solace sort of like how killing Grounders did.

So long story short Bellamy was angry.

But he couldn't break that's what always went through his head when his eyes stung of his chest felt tight. He needed to be strong for O and Clarke and the others because that's the only thing he knew _how_ to do.

Snapping himself out of his thoughts Bellamy turned to the armoury and began gearing up. He heard footsteps following and he turned from where he was loading his gun. Jasper looked back at him before walking past him into the armoury bumping his shoulder hard on Bell's as he did so.

Jasper grabbed a rifle before loading it up quickly but he couldn't quite get the safety off so Bellamy stepped forward and took it gently before clipping the safety off. He handed it back to Jasper who snatched it back and glared.

"I don't need your help." He snarled before walking out of the armoury towards the fire where everyone was going over the plan for the last time. Bellamy watched as Raven sat slumped and Bryan, Miller and Harper chatted quietly. He looked at Octavia who was staring a Lincolns pyre steadily.

Jasper walked towards the fire and sat down. Bellamy looked around camp wondering if they should set up a watch but he decided against it and began to walk to the fire. He sat down next to Clarke heavily.

She smiled slightly at him and heard a scoff from Octavia, He heard Clarke sigh waiting for the tirade.

"At least out two mass murderers are happy." The tension could be cut with a knife; it was like there was no fire at all.

He looked up towards Octavia as Clarke looked down at her feet, every death was still sensitive to her and it didn't help Octavia and Jasper brought it up every half hour.

"O" he warned, he wasn't in the mood and neither was Clarke. Octavia glared back at him before unsheathing her sword casually.

"Just stating the facts big brother." She said as sarcastically "You are both murderers or are we forgetting the massacre of a Grounder army, Mount Weather and Ton DC" as she listed the kill list her voice got louder.

Clarke flinched and continued to look at her feet as Jasper offered his viewpoint "Lets also not forget the murder of Maya and Lincoln." He said while knocking back moonshine. Monty looked like he was going to be sick.

Octavia nodded wiping her eyes slightly, Clarke didn't say anything so Bellamy said something for her "We did what we had to do." He said while looking at Clarke who looked back at him softly, happy she wasn't about get yelled at on her own.

"Did what you had to do?" Octavia screeched as she stood up angrily.

"Bellamy you killed everyone and Clarke nearly killed me in Ton DC as well as hundreds of others." She snarled stalking closer Bellamy stood up and moved so he was standing in front of Clarke.

He took a deep breath and replied evenly "If we hadn't killed the Mountain Men you'd all be dead." He said looking at her directly.

"If Clarke and Lexa had evacuated Ton DC I would have been caught and most of us would all be dead." He spoke calmly and methodically as Octavia began to shake with rage.

She raised her fist planning on hitting him but he was faster he grabbed it and held her wrist tightly, she glared out him before shrieking "YOU ARE A MURDERER!"

Bellamy let his hand drop from her wrist and glared back at her, didn't she get it they all killed and know he was paying the price.

"How many people have you killed Octavia?" he replied calmly. He saw everyone stiffen as Octavia glared at him hotly.

"What does it matter? It's nowhere in the region of you two." She hissed

Bellamy nodded his head in acceptance of that fact "I know that but the fact that you have killed, makes you a murderer too." He said making his voice louder so they could all hear.

Octavia looked at him startled before angrily pushing him away "There you fucking go again lashing out with no regard for the consequence." She bellowed swinging her arms about like it was some big revelation.

Bellamy was losing his temper and the next sentence that came out of his mouth was considerably louder than before "That's funny as you're the one who constantly does whatever she wants and not caring who it effects." He was talking about her beating him up and knocking him out.

"You ran off to go play Grounder leaving us to deal with the mess! You are so angry all the time and so self-righteous when others do the same!" He yelled at her

Octavia opened her mouth to respond but he continued cutting her off.

"You think I'm not upset too? I have killed hundreds of people you are right, but I did it because I had a reason to or a responsibility. Like looking after you or the others."

Octavia stared at him wide eyed but Jasper responded before she could Jasper did "WE DON'T NEED YOU LOOKING AFTER US!" he bellowed angrily. Bellamy snapped he was so tired of being selfless for once he wanted to be selfish. Now he was going to cry and scream and they were all going to hear it he's make sure of that.

"Well you obviously do because a few weeks ago my morning started with mopping up you sick as you got so pissed and decided to lie it!"

"I obviously do because if I hadn't most of you would be dead! If I left all of you to your own fucking devices you would have all snapped."

"Especially after Clarke left, I had to step up because you all needed a shoulder to cry on! And I gave that to you!"

"I have let you beat me, call me names be the villain of this whole bloody saga because if I hadn't you all would have crumbled!"

"So excuse me for caring! next time I'll just leave you all to lie in your own pity!"

"Good luck because I'm not going to be there to help!" Bellamy was on a role but he knew he had to stop so he took a deep breath before saying "I'm sorry for all the trouble I have caused" gruffly. Staring at each of them individually before spinning on his hell and marching to the jeep.

"WE ARE LEAVING SO MOVE!" He yelled as he opened the driver door and slammed it shut.

Clarke was the first to get in and Jasper and Octavia soon followed all of them were silent and he started the ignition and drove out the gates.

"Bell…" a soft voice said it was Clarke

Bellamy glared at the windscreen "I don't want to hear it, I've heard enough." He snarled as he stared out the window.

"Bell…" she took a deep breath before continuing "Thank you." She said gently as she looked out the window Bellamy smiled slightly at least someone was on his side.

"You're welcome Princess." He replied.


End file.
